Switching Off

After spending second after second by your bedside, holding your hand and having the worst case of verbal diarrhea possible, I now find myself speechless, sitting with your pink ear muffins on, trying not to hear my thoughts.

The memories that are going through my mind put a smile on my face but a crack in my heart, they are there, they were made and they stained, but No More is a thought that sinks to my stomach.Spending your last few days with you has lead my being to doing a complete 180, They say people are put in your life for a reason, It is strange how God used you to teach me one of life’s greatest lessons,..

The Friday evening before you went into a coma, I sat with you, you asked me to take ur mind off things and talk to you about absolutely anything but the situation, we ended up chatting about bands, music, events and sponge bob square pants ;) even though you were out of breath you were still trying to tell me how awesome Pestroy was live, your face light up, you were so passionate about your work.I asked your opinion on something, you said you would think about it and tell me tomorrow, you held my hand, kissed me and looked at me with those big blue eyes, you told me that it was so peaceful when I was there, you promised me that you would never leave me and that you owed me, It was the last time I heard your voice and saw that brave smile..

There is only one word that can describe how I feel and that is Raw,..But the more I think about it, you kept your promise you didn’t leave me.I look at your dad

“Jou favorite Pa-Jou enigste Pa” and I see your humor, the way you used to make everyone laugh and put a smile on their faces.

Your kind caring nature, I see that in your mother.

Ur endurance, the way you never gave up and kept on fighting in your brother Henre..I sat with him for a fair amount of hours and days, it came to the point where days, hours and minutes no longer mattered but seconds, it was hard for him to see his little brother in so much pain, but he kept on fighting with you.

Ur strength, no matter how hard and tough things got you always managed to keep a brave face and hide what you were feeling for the sake of others, Nadine did just that, the last few days were hard for everyone, but she managed to keep her cool and be strong for Henre and the rest of the family.

Last but not least little Liam, his presence just lights up the room, he doesn’t have to do much, he just has to be there holding onto Tiger-Herman and it makes me smile..It was the same with you, you didn’t have to do much, you just had to be there.At the end of the day these are the people who molded you, who played such a huge role in your life, I just have to look at them and I know that you kept your promise.

I learnt so much from you and the lessons become clear in memories, One of them being our little mission, “operation steal Pierre`s hat”..I wanted that hat so badly and was hunting it down from Jo`burg days, you came to me and promised me you would get the hat no matter what..i informed you that it was impossible, he would never let it go..You looked at me and said Nothing is impossible, if you can reach for it, you can grab it,..We walked out of there with the hat.

I feel empty and lost, our dinners, our long walks and talks, holding hands, drinking one cup of coffee for two hours, and our little routines, the songs we wrote together, the brief presence of freedom, it is all just a memory now..as your Aunt Esme would say..you were my support system, you were supposed to walk out of the hospital tomorrow, We were going to celebrate your Birthday on Friday and have our picnic on the 1st of September, Not only did you tie me together, you were a knot in my life, one that can not be undone.I remember the one evening when things got tough, I tried to calm you down and whispered in your ear that you must hold on, that we were all proud of you for fighting and hanging in there, I told you not to worry about just now, but to live for now, not for tomorrow or the day after but for the second..I find myself taking my own advice now..We only have to get through now, we should not worry about how we are going to get through the weekend or the future, we will get through it when it arrives and you will be there all the way taking those baby steps with us.

I am sorry it has taking me so long to write this,..Everything that was mentioned in the above, is everything I never got to tell you..The rest you know,..I am so grateful to God for giving you those extra few days with us, I knew there was a reason he gave you the strength to hang in there and fight.You proved to me that I should never underestimate my level of strength that nothing is impossible and acceptance is not and option, your God given strength has given people hope, it has given them reason.

Hi 5 to you my Babe,..Will always love you my Hero, You will always be in our hearts, you will be missed but you made your mark and your work here is done.

Elbow - Switching Off You, the only sense the world has ever madeThis I need to saveA simple trinket locked awayI choose my final scene todaySwitching off with you.